oh, sweet insanity

Food - 0/2 estimate of too many calories kept down. as of now, i'm eating raw and focusing on protein powder. i need to look good for christmas.
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 0/2 FAIL! WTF?! slept all day, for the most part. these sleeping pills are getting to me
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 yess!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i tried out my go light. i've had it for years and i think part of the reason that i end up binging and purging is the lack of light during the night. maybe if i keep that up? *crosses fingers*

Food - 2/2 estimate of 772 calories. i need protein, asap =/
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 hours and 30 minutes
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 but of course!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i baked cookies for my parents (they turned out a little retarded - i attempted to make them gingerbread man shaped with a cookie cutter.. and let's just say it didn't turn out that way), i baked some catnip cookies for my kitties and bought a catnip toy for them and cleaned the house!

Food - 2/2 estimate of 768 calories. i need to add more veggies in here, but i didn't purge and hopefully that will help me change what i'm keeping down
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 hours
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 yesuums
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i printed off some resumes, looked at college courses, did the laundry and did some more christmas decorating. i'll renew my library books and send out some letters tomorrow

Food - 0/2 estimate of too many calories kept down. i'm getting back on track this month. no ifs ands or buts
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 rest day
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 of course!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i got some beauty sleep, did my eyebrows and shaved. i'm planning on going tanning tomorrow ^.^

Food - 0/2 estimate of i don't even want to think about it. fasted for 37 hours and then it was all shot to hell. i should of made some plan of what to break my fast with. no purging as of december 1st (today)
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 4 hours. not bad for fasting and not sleeping for over 24 hours
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 yessum
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i ran some errands, wrote some christmas cards, sent out resumes, picked up a gingerbread train that i'm going to put together (i'm in the christmas spirit, for some odd reason.. i have no reason to be lol), replied to all the comments that had been sitting in my inbox and did some emailing

Food - 0/2 estimate of no calories! planning to fast for at least 30 hours. just about at 24 ^.^
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 hours
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 of course!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i cleaned the house, the litter box, threw out some old things that were laying around and put up some christmas decorations. i'm planning on doing a little more cleaning and sorting through things later

Food - 0/2 estimate of 791 calories kept down. i can't keep this up. i can feel the weight creeping up on me, when i was doing so well. so much for breaking a 37 hour fast lightly =/
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 hours and 30 minutes
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 yeppp
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i decorated the house for christmas (i plan on doing more of that tomorrow. am i the only one who still likes doing this!? i don't care how lame it is. sparkly things amuse me) and i played wow. got my cooking skill up a bit, got a level AND WAS ACCEPTED TO A PRETTY UBER GUILD! boohyeah!

Food - 0/2 estimate of 374 calories kept down. it's gotten to the point where i can't function after i eat if i don't puke, and i have developed this "all or nothing.. might as well" mentality. i can't say i'm too fond of it, and i can't say that it's getting me anywhere
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 6 hours. at least i did this right. if it hadn't poured all day, i would of gone outside
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 first day! of course!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i cleaned the house, did the dishes, took out the garbage and recycling, made an apple cinnamon & almond loaf for my parents, burned alfred hitchcock's "the birds" for my parents & gave the kitties a can of tuna <3 (i know how nasty that sounded.. sick mind)

so, it gets to the point where you are laying on your floor in the morning, starting your 5-6 hour daily workout, looking up at your dresser which is lined up with about 20 different supplements and diet pills, and you ask yourself "when did this become my life". how did the thoughts and behaviors slowly take over your life? and now that you realize that this has become your life, and you don't want it to be anymore, it's too late. you can't change it. you can't "let" yourself. you won't ask for help, as much as you would like to, because that would be giving up. that would be failure.
and if you fail at this, then what else have you got?
nothing, anymore.
it gets to the point where you are puking your guts out because you can't function after you eat if you don't. it takes too much work for your body to digest the food. it's painful, uncomfortable and your body CAN'T digest the food anymore. you take a few swigs of pop and all of your food comes up now, because your body can't handle it. it just sits there. pills that you took 5 hours before come up in pill form.
you begin to get tired of puking, don't even want to eat. don't want to touch food and yet you have to eat to survive, and you can't handle keeping anything down so your mentality about allergenic foods and food sensitives becomes "well, i'm going to puke it up anyway" and you pop an ephedrine and benadryl after your work is complete.
you wish someone would care enough to ask you what's wrong. to ask you if you are okay, if you need help. the thing is, this has been going on so long, they don't know you being any different. it's natural.
but what the most unatural thing is, you are living a life you hate, forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do and you can't stop. you don't let yourself do what you want to do or be who you want to be. you can't enjoy things that you want to enjoy. now that would almost be sinful.

you make plans for the day, you have all of these ideas for after you're finished your workout. you'll have fun, you think. you'll "let" yourself do this and that. but you know in your head that you won't. that you don't deserve it. your body is so tired from your workout and from being on your feet for 12 hours that you don't have it in you to enjoy anything now that the time has finally come. you don't want to eat, but your body forces food into itself, and you retract with spending the night over the toilet.
maybe tomorrow. tomorrow will be better. something tomorrow will bring a smile to my face. i'll let myself have fun tomorrow. i'll be myself tomorrow.
but you know that's the biggest lie you've ever told yourself.

Food - 2/2 estimate of 611 calories. i fasted for 34 hours and i could of gone longer, i was just starting to get a headache and a little irritable. that's the only thing that bothers me. i don't mean to be rude or bitchy towards my parents, it just happens. although, i'm bitchy after i eat as well so i guess i can't win =/
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 6 hours and 30 minutes. BOOHYEAH! fasting for the win!
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 i wouldn't miss the last day!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i ran some errands, did some cleaning, read my mail (birthday cards!), got myself some nickel free earrings (ooh, shopping! <3), replied to some comments (it's about time!) and took out some christmas decorations and started cooking in wow ^.^

i finally muster up the courage to step on the scale.. and you know what happens? "error" pops up repeatedly.

ERROR. ERROR. YOU'RE TOO FAT FOR THIS THING TO WEIGH YOU.
PLEASE STEP OFF SCALE NOW.
YOU'RE BREAKING ME.

now i don't even know where i am.
i probably don't even want to know.

Food - 0/2 estimate of i don't know how many calories kept down. what happened?! i was doing so well, even with fasting. as of today, no more than 500 calories a day. also i'm going to start eating more veggies again and fasting every few days. i know i'll feel better if i do that
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 hours and 30 minutes. i had to make myself stop working out today, i could if kept going and going (probably should have)
walk
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 yess!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i cleaned up the house, did the laundry, threw out some random junk laying around, organized some papers and things sitting on my table and hung up some pictures that had been sitting around. not bad, but i wish i had gotten out to the barn to unpack some more boxes. i'll leave that for today

so, its my birthday today.
im 22 years old.
and where have i gotten... nowhere.
i feel like the past ten years of my life have gone by and i have done nothing that i want to and have gotten absolutely nowhere. i still have this behind my back. its still in the back of my head every second of the day. i still havent decided on a career path. mainly because i have no self confidence in myself. if i dont believe that i am good at anything, then how am i supposed to decide what i want to do with my life. it makes it exceedingly difficult. there are so many things that i want to do and am interested in. then why am i stuck here. why have i been stuck here for so many years. there is so much out there. so much i would like to do. so much i would rather think about. in the back of my head, i know i can get out of this. it just feels like the only thing that ive got. but i know it is what is holding me back from everything. i dont care if im hungry. i dont care if im not hungry. i dont want to eat. i dont want to have to. so why does it matter. food is food. we have to eat to live, i suppose. but ive lived off of pretty much lettuce for months at a time and reached my goal weight, and i still wasnt happy. sure, i was happy when i stepped on the scale, but really where does that get me. where did it get me.
it got me in the hospital, on my death bed because of an underactive thyriod. and did i learn from that. apparently, not.
so maybe it is something that i will just have to live with, and deal with. which, clearly i can do.
what is frustrating is people telling me what they think i want and what they think i should do and what other people like and dont like. maybe i know what i want and i know what i would be good at doing, i just need people to let me be and do my own thing. thats one of the reasons why i am having such trouble deciding on a course to take. people keep telling me what they think i should do and what they think i should like that my head gets so jumbled, and by the end of it I dont even know what i like or want anymore.
maybe if i just wung it and went with my instincts (which are generally right), i would be happy and would end up somewhere i would want to be, doing something that could get me somewhere.

so, ive totally been avoiding livejournal. i dont mean to, im just ashamed. i lost my job. i did really well with the training. at ten dollars an hour, 5 days a week, it would of been perfect. im starting math class to get me back in the routine of going to school and having homework to do. then all i need is to get my license and i will finally feel like im getting SOMEWHERE.
however, i tried taking the sleeping pills that the doctor gave me so i could get some rest before the second day of training, and that totally backfired on me.
i couldnt get up.
of course. figures. you should never trust sleeping pills. i should of just stayed up yet another day. sure, i would be exhausted. but at least i would have a job and some source of income.
so, ive got an interview at la vie en rose next week, and i am going to do everything that i can to ace it.
of course i cant even get my license right now. i finally get signed up for my lessons, after months of driving, and the ontario drivers agency (or whatever the hell its called.. ) is on strike.
why do things always seem to go that way for me.


so anyway, its my birthday, and i dont want it to be. thats how pathetic my life has become. im 22 years old, sitting at home at my parents house because i have no money to afford a place because ive got no job. ive also lost most of my friends because theyve all run off and decided to have kids so i wouldnt have anyone to go out with anyway even if i had a job. im not in school so i dont have any killer parties to go to or any homework or class to focus on.
i woke up at 6 this morning, cleaned the house, did the laundry and did my workout.
then i went into town and picked out parts for the computer that im building with my dad. i felt so guilty standing there while he threw down 1,000$ on a parts for a gaming computer (holy shit is is ever going to be sick once we put it together tomorrow, but that is besides the point). i mean, have i done anything to deserve this. no, not really. im living, and its barley a life.
im really excited for it, its something that ive wanted for a while. ive always been a bit of a computer nerd, and i grew up playing games. i just stopped once THIS all started. but i figure, if ive got the time, and i dont want to spent my time crunched over the toilet, then maybe i WILL get back into it. and have fun. do something that i like to do for a change. hell, its more productive than the latter, and there could be a future career involved.
i remember sitting at home, messing around with hex editor when i was 12. i had my own domain when i was 12, for goddsakes.
i just feel guilty for sitting around playing games when i should be working or in school. but im not in school, yet (im planning on applying for next year, and i am going back starting next week for 2 classes a week), and im trying to get a job. i dont know what it is about myself that i cant let myself enjoy myself. i know once i go back to work and back to school ill want to do all these things and i wont have the time. so why not do it now while i do.

anyway, im just babbling here, and i need to start making plans for tonight. i MIGHT, MIGHT have a party to go after all. i just got a message from an old friend from school about a hotel party. there will be drinking and coke (which ive never done before, but always wanted to try.. hey im almost out of my kiddie coke anyway, so why the hell not).

i just have one more thing before i end this entry.
MY NEW BABY, ZEUS.
my cat, scribbles, has been staring out the window waiting for aladdin to come home ever since he disappeared. its really depressing and i finally brought it up to my parents about getting another cat. so guess who went out last sunday to look at kitties and came home with the cutest 2 month old youve ever seen. that would be moi!

( Zeus! )

p.s - i apologize for not using proper grammar. my keyboard is a little messed up at the moment.

Food - 0/2 estimate of 400 calories kept down. i'm so sick of wasting food and time and having it literally flushed down the toilet
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 6 and a half hours
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 of course ^.^
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i did my eyebrows, used one of those pumice stones on my feet (really needed that!), shaved and gave myself a hair mask. i'm going to go tanning tomorrow and possibly dye my hair

SO!
guess who started work today?!!
that would be moi!
yes, after 8 months of handing out resumes, i got a call while i was in town yesterday with the kingsdale chateau (an old folks home) asking if i could come in for an interview in half an hour. i was in NO WAY dressed for an interview, but i was like "eff it" and just went. i was hired on the spot!
i went in to the interview and apologized for my attire first thing. then the interviewer and i went into a room off to the side (i was really quite intimidated - this place is really she-she). normally, in interviews i get really nervous and clam up and don't ask any questions or have any confidence, but this time i just went for it. i was really upbeat and confident and just myself. who knew that is what would sell?
the lady was sizing me up like i couldn't do the job (it's housekeeping and serving), but i mentioned that my first job was cleaning at a cow farm and that i've cleaned houses, gyms and cleaned in the food industry. she was all "well, you're awfully tiny" (that made me smile inside, even though i think it's total bullshit), and i said i may be small but appearance isn't everything - i lift weights every day and have no problem standing on my feet for a long period of time.
after about twenty minutes of being interviewed, she asked me if i could start tomorrow and i just told her tell me what time and i'll be there, then we went and i signed papers and read the manual of what i will be doing and BAM! i just couldn't believe it. seriously, yesterday seemed like such a crappy day. NOTHING seemed to be working for me. from my driving lessons canceled (after having taken months and months to finally get them) to my shoelaces not wanting to stay tied. but after that, i was just floating on air.
i ran out of the chateau with an incredible amount of energy, got into the car and said to my dad "7:40 tomorrow morning" and he just gave me a confused look and said "what? i don't get it?" and i said "I GOT THE JOB!! 'effin right!" and he actually looked proud and was like "'effin right is right!" right back to me.
so i started today, and it was incredibly stressful, but i just went. i was a little late because i took my sleeping pill a little late last night (i'll learn for tomorrow - i NEED to own at this job. apparently no one lasts long there because it's hard work, which it is.. which is one of the reasons why i really need to do well. to prove i can DO something, and stay with it). i'll take extra shifts, work full time if they need me to, stay late if they need me to. i need something to make me feel responsible and independent and good about myself. plus, it will be nice to actually have money of my own. i hate using my parents money for everything and obviously there is only so much that they will buy me. i'm hoping to be able to pay for some guitar lessons after saving up for a while, because i really was enjoying learning the guitar. doing something that i've always wanted to do, but THIS has always got in the way of it.

one thing i learned today was: DO NOT EAT SUGAR FREE CANDY BEFORE YOUR FIRST DAY OF WORK.
you all know what i mean by that. SO NOT COOL. but it gave me something to smile about. my stupidity, that is.

so i will be training for the next 2 days and then i'll be working on my own next week.
this is so exciting.

but for some reason, when i got off work today, i was in such a foul mood. i think it's because i hadn't taken any of my caffeine or diet pills (i didn't need any extra anxiety), i was extremely dehydrated, and the shoes that i wore hurt my feet the second i put them on. which was why i got to go shoe shopping after work (which first was the last thing i wanted to do, but then looking at all the shoes and accessories reminded me WHY my feet hurt and that i will finally be able to afford these things). i got a really nice pair of modern style mary janes, so hopefully i'll feel better when i get off work tomorrow.
what i'm more stressed out about is the working out. i know i'm going to somehow manage to come home from work and do my 5 hours (i still need to do 2 hours of cardio - i got too distracted doing other things when i came home from work and didn't just get it over with, which i will do tomorrow). but i don't know if i should do my other 2 hours today because it's 1:30 in the morning and i need to be out the door at 7. also, i'm running on 6 hours sleep over the past three days and i can feel it wearing out my body. i don't want to be lazy and not do my workout, but i want to excel at work so i make sure that i do keep the job after the training is over.

more posting tomorrow, as i have a million comments i need to reply to, emails i should read and i really SHOULD just get some rest.

so, i'm in the middle of doing this Halloween word-search, and can you guess which word that i found last? "bones".
it's like this world is trying to tell me something.
it's like NOTHING will let me focus on anything other than this.
i WAS enjoying myself.
now i feel like i should hop back on the treadmill (i've already spent 4 and a half hours on it today), instead of looking up recipes and costume ideas for tomorrow.

why must the world mock me sometimes?

so, i'm in the grocery store, picking up a few things today with my mom and the cashier said that she was "amazed at how skinny i was". and you know what my mom replied? "she's a weightlifter" and the cashier just kind of gave me a look and i replied "you'd be surprised". and she continued to inquire about my weight/appearance. she even asked if i was in any weight lifting competitions (hmm.. maybe that's something that i should look into?).
i just stood there, shocked. first when she said she couldn't believe how skinny i was, i was like "who?" and she said me.
i tried not to smile in happiness at that. i just stood there looking confused.
what was also triggering was the fact that my mom, totally nonchalantly said that i was a weight lifter.
ever since i've gained a few pounds (my bmi is still under 15.. thank god), it's like everything is totally normal. they don't care anymore.
yes, it is completely NORMAL that your 22 year old, single daughter stays at home on a friday night, exercising. it is totally normal that i never drink, quit smoking weed and never hang out with anyone, unless they literally show up at my door step. and then my parents have to amuse the person who showed up because i have to shower because i've been working out for 5 hours. just like every other day. it's totally normal that i've lost interest in everything else. it's totally normal that i have random fits of anger and frustration, mainly at myself.
it's totally normal that i hate myself for never doing what i want to do. it's totally normal that i think i want to work out all the time. it's totally normal that you have to PRY me off of the treadmill.
what the hell am i going to do once i start working?

Food - 2/2 estimate of 621 calories. i need to start buying more veggies and loading up on them =/
Water - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 and a half hours
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 wouldn't miss it!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i baked my parents an oatmeal and hazlenut crunch cake type thing. i don't know how it's going to turn out. i'm so much better coming up with random things vegan-style. i also made my mom coffee in the morning and the the regular cleaning type deal. i've run out of ideas for this :(

Food - 2/2 estimate of 407 calories. too many if you ask me =/
Waster - 2/2
Exercise - 2/2 worked out for 5 and a half hours. i have seriously become addicted to walking on the treadmill. not that that is a bad thing. i watch tv, movies, study, text and read while i'm on there. now, if only i could use my notebook, i would be set...
Journaling/Posting - 2/2 the most important part!
Daily Self Esteem Challenge - 2/2 i watched a movie while i was on the treadmill. i never actually WATCH movies, only have them on in the background while i'm doing something else. but i ended up watching "mad money" on tv, and although it wasn't my usual type of movie, the explosives in the end and the fact that it was based around screwing with the system, kind of got me thinking.... now who's with me?!?! heh ;) only kidding.. i swear.
i'm about to go and curl up with cosmo and teen vouge and play some sacred 2 before bed to distract myself from the fact that i'm spotting for the first time in 6 months.
if there was ONE thing that made me feel like i was doing something right, it was the fact that i haven't spotted in the least bit over the past half a year. now, what have i got? not anorexia, clearly. but i knew i was already too fat for that..

so, guess who is OFFICIALLY A FATASS?! AND A FAILURE?!
that would be me.

i was having a really good day. i got up, went straight to my hour of ab work, hour of strength training and then set out for my 3 hours on the treadmill. i watched a movie while on the treadmill, then when it was over i was super motivated and feeling great so i got out the math book that i recently got to study for my GED. after my three hours was up, i cleaned the house, did the dishes and the laundry, made my bed and got back on the treadmill for another half hour of studying. i even texted a few people and haven't flipped out on my parents or had an anger fit all day.
then, i get off the treadmill and feel a cramp in my stomach. AND GUESS WHAT I FIND THAT IT'S FROM!?
SPOTTING.
i haven't had a period in half a year. and i started spotting today.
i have officially FAILED.
now i'm really starting to re think this quitting smoking thing.
what i could really use right now, is a joint. or a bong... i used to love my bongs. especially to kill the pain. and take the edge off of course.
well, that would explain my strange chocolate cravings that i have been having over the past couple of days. i hate chocolate.

part of me just wants to curl up in a ball and never eat, and the other half just wants to stuff myself and puke, because i just FAIL.
oh, right. that's why i'm stuck in the first place =/